Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
