How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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