did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
