I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
