every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize