if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
