Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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