OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
