Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
