yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
