shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
