True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
