i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
