i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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