he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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