just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have post one night stand depression
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
