and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
