apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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