Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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