did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
