I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
