I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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