omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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