JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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