This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
