I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
