Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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