I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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