nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
