I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
