i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My dick has a subreddit
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
