ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
