STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
