if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
