he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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