I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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