Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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