those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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