Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
from now on my penis is your penis
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
