RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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