You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
