I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
