At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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