so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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