That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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