i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
