my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
