you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
