This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
