she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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