I think I won the penis lottery.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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