Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
