he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
