I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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