I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
